So if you're a parent, and you take parenting seriously, here's a question for you. Would you like to win an imaginary award, say, "Parent of the Year"?
If such an award existed outside of Parent's Magazine, I'd defy any parent to say no. Of course they'd like to do everything correctly, to anticipate and correct problems, to be able to hand their children the perfect upbringing. Unfortunately, that doesn't exist.
As my mother was fond of saying, "there isn't an owner's manual" for raising kids. And Bill Cosby, pretty much everyone's idea of a perfect dad, said something like 'You'd think that since every parent was once a child, they'd know how to treat a child'.
So this whole parenting thing thought process was brought on by reading the note written by my almost niece, Wendy. She just turned another year older - so old now it breaks my heart to realize she was just born when we met. She's wise beyond her years, with two pretty good kids to show for it. She's a heck of a writer, who isn't afraid to realize that we're all practicing this life.
And her aunt is no slouch, either. Rene Syler has brought a level of common sense into the parenting game. If you haven't had a chance to look in on it, go here and take a look at GEM - Good Enough Mother. In simple terms the message is you're not perfect and you won't do a perfect job. Do the best you can and things will work out as they work out. Good philosophy.
Of course, that's a mother's perspective. How about a dad's?
There may not be enough electrons available to write all that goes in your head when contemplating being a dad. I'm not going to air family laundry, but there are probably enough commonalities that you may recognize something of yourself.
I suspect every kid, when they're growing up, harbors the fantasy of being able to outparent their parents. They vow to make better decisions, because their parent just blundered in a big way. If we could only get our parent to see that they should...life would be better.
(Industrial strength editorial comment) If that attitude hasn't changed by the time you become a parent, you haven't learned enough to BE a parent. And that opens another topic for another day.
Like most parents, mine were full of statements about being parents. Things like "If you hate me, I'm doing my job." "If I didn't love you I wouldn't punish you." "I am NOT your friend, I'm your Mother!" That last one got me, because as a kid I just knew that we were peers, and therefore should be friends. Uh, no. They bought Dr. Spock's book, but I never knew them to have read it. They didn't exactly beat me with it, but that was more likely to happen than to implement whatever snake-oil he was peddling. Thank God.
So if you've gotten this far, you might be thinking 'I'm a good parent. I never beat my kids. My kids were angels.' Well maybe they are/were, but if so, you just won life's Lottery. Most kids grow up to be like us - flawed, with a mixture of overblown confidence and doubt.
And here's the funny thing. Most of us who gave a rat's behind thought we were pretty good parents. And we probably were. So why has every generation since Adam and Eve think that their kids are going to the hounds? If I'm a good parent, it must be...you! Not to be rude, but this is sort of like a fart in the elevator. Doing the math, you know it's got to be the other guy.
And we see examples of bad parenting almost every day. All you have to do is go to the store. You see parents caving to their kids' temper tantrum. Buying them whatever toy is at kids-eye level because they want it. Screaming at their kid. Threatening bodily harm and then not following through with it. Swearing at them, or calling them names.
Or watch TV. As funny as I thought 'Married, With Children' or 'The Simpsons' was, if anyone took them as examples of good parenting, you should have been neutered. Before.
But we're surrounded by examples daily of out-of-control young people who within a few short years will be choosing our nursing homes. Running the country. Fathering or mothering our grandkids, or great-grandkids. Can I just slit my wrists now?
Sure, you can draw some direct lineage between lousy parenting and monstrous people. Charles Manson immediately comes to mind. Ted Bundy does also. But the world is filled with examples of good parents who raised ultimately bad people, and great kids raised by less than stellar parents. Sometimes it's just the wiring.
I have two natural children and two step kids. I had nothing to do with the raising of Joe and Kylee, which means that I can't take credit for how well they've turned out. But my own seed, well, that's another matter. They're currently 26 and 19. I have hopes that it will turn out well for them. My older daughter, Amanda, will say that she turned out pretty well, in spite of some heinous things that happened to her. My younger son, Mike, has had some self-inflicted wounds that he seems to have learned from. So I'm cautiously optimistic for them both. They're both highly intelligent and can do whatever they want to do with their lives. To paraphrase Wendy, I've taught them to use their manners, to know right from wrong and to take responsibility for their actions. Whatever happens with them in the end, as pleasurable or painful as it may be, was due to or in spite of how much they absorbed. I've often stated that a mother's role is to nurture and a dad's role is to prepare the kids for life. I've had to rethink that, because otherwise I may have been a better woman - giving them the love and attention was more meaningful to me. Amanda seems to be getting that. Hopefully one day Mike will, too. If nothing else, I did what I could. And to take the lesson from Good Enough Mother, maybe I was a Good Enough Dad. And at the end of my life, if that's as good as it gets, it will be enough.
